The night after my date, I found myself crying into a vodka soda in the company of a good friend at a bar on Broadway.
"Was the date really that bad?", she wanted to know.
"No, it was good! It was one of the best dates I've had in Seattle! It just wasn't good enough..." I sobbed some more.
We had sex, I told her, not because I felt a connection, but because I don't know what else to do. I had already decided that I was ambivalent about seeing him again, so I figured I met as well get laid while I had the opportunity. It raised the number of partners I've had in the last twelve months to equal the number of partners I've had in the previous thirty years. Eight and eight. I can't keep doing this.
My complete lack of feelings for the men I come across weighs on me because I am so passionate about every other aspect of my life. I spend my work week in a constant fight to give people with few medical resources the best care I can, then I go out on a date and my only reaction is "Meh. I'd probably sleep with him if I was drunk. Don't really care to see him again." The apathy over and over again gets depressing, and I can't help but think something's wrong with me.
I wonder if the men I sleep with feel the same way. This one sent a polite text message the morning after: "I had fun last night, thanks again. Let's do it again some time." I haven't heard from him since.
"Was the date really that bad?", she wanted to know.
"No, it was good! It was one of the best dates I've had in Seattle! It just wasn't good enough..." I sobbed some more.
We had sex, I told her, not because I felt a connection, but because I don't know what else to do. I had already decided that I was ambivalent about seeing him again, so I figured I met as well get laid while I had the opportunity. It raised the number of partners I've had in the last twelve months to equal the number of partners I've had in the previous thirty years. Eight and eight. I can't keep doing this.
My complete lack of feelings for the men I come across weighs on me because I am so passionate about every other aspect of my life. I spend my work week in a constant fight to give people with few medical resources the best care I can, then I go out on a date and my only reaction is "Meh. I'd probably sleep with him if I was drunk. Don't really care to see him again." The apathy over and over again gets depressing, and I can't help but think something's wrong with me.
I wonder if the men I sleep with feel the same way. This one sent a polite text message the morning after: "I had fun last night, thanks again. Let's do it again some time." I haven't heard from him since.
Nope. I feel the same way. I go on dates and feel nothing and move on...and wonder if I will ever be excited to go on a date again. I haven't met someone I was excited to date in 2 years and I haven't been in a serious relationship now for 4, almost 5 years. It IS depressing...but I keep trying and keep feeling unpassionate about each date I go on. I was recently told by someone that I am one of the most passionate people they know. So I understand and you are not crazy. I just keep trying to hold out hope that one day I will be excited and passionate about someone again. ~ Leanne
ReplyDelete