The Car Dealer Service Man

My biggest unrealized crush is on the man who runs the service desk at the dealership where I get my oil changed.

We smile at each other and flirt in between customers.  He knows my name and what I do for a living.  I feel butterflies the day of my oil change.  Recently I've started wearing makeup and dresses to the dealership; I no longer show up in my Saturday morning running gear.  He's commented that I look nice.

I pulled up to the dealership one weekend listening to my favorite pop radio station, but I wanted him to be aware that I was smarter than this.   I switched the dial to NPR so when he restarted the car, he would see exactly how intelligent and worldy I am.  And he noticed!  In fact, he said he'd been listening to the same program and wanted to know what I thought about it.

I had hoped he would be silently impressed by my fierce attention to world affairs, but I hadn't counted on having a discussion with him.  I'd been car dancing to Kesha and had no idea what the program was about.  I fumbled my way through the conversation, and he seemed confused:  "Wait, I'm talking about the program you were listening to."  I responded, "Oh yeah, I guess my mind was somewhere else."  Doh.

About a week later, I got an email from his work account.  I had received a survey about my oil change experience and gave positive feedback.  This is what he wrote:

"Good morning R____,

Hope everything is well.  Just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to fill out the survey, and most importantly for the good marks.

Looking forward to seeing your beautiful smile next time you come in, you are always so kind."

My heart skipped a beat as I pondered over the wording.  What did it mean?  On one hand, he was thanking me professionally.  On the other, sending an email to a customer's personal address and commenting on a "beautiful smile" decidedly muddled professional boundaries.

So I did what any other giddy single girl would do: I looked him up on Facebook...  He is married with three children. 

Maybe I read too far into his email, or maybe I didn't.  I wonder what his wife thinks about him contacting clients with beautiful smiles?

Next time I get my oil changed, I will be wearing running clothes.


 

Based on personal experience, dating advice tip #2

Don't try and play the name game on a first date. 

If you do, you may find out that the person you casually know who graduated in the same grad school class as your date actually was his exgirlfriend who broke his heart.  And then conversation gets awkward.

My bad.

On second thought...

Hold up, did a man really freak out because I'm emotionally unavailable and just want to have casual sex with him with no strings attached?!?



 

Big Questions

The truth came out at 4 am this morning.  We were lying in bed after having sex, slightly drunk, spooning.  I was drifting off to sleep as he talked to me, unable to stay awake to concentrate on what he was saying.

His tone of voice changed, and I jolted back to the conversation.  "R___, you are so hot. I can't get enough of your body.  You are so fucking hot!  But you're also SO FUCKING emotionally unavailable.  I just can't read you."

I turned around to face him and set the record straight, because I am easy to read if my partners listen.  From the beginning, I have told this man that I am not emotionally invested, that I want to see other people, that I do not see this going beyond a casual relationship.

"If you are looking for emotional availability or a relationship," I calmly stated, "you need to be looking elsewhere.  I am not going to be able to give you any more than I am now."  He said he understood, and then he held me closer.

This is where dating ethics get murky.  I have never lied or pretended to feel more than I do.  I have treated him respectfully and been honest about what I am looking for.  Yet in spite of this, both he and I know that his feelings for me are greater and that he wants something more.  In the end, there is no question about who will be hurt.

So whose fault is it?  Am I to blame because I'm still seeing him twice a week for companionship and sex?  Or is he responsible for continuing to pursue unrequitted feelings?  I could happily go on with this relationship until I get bored or find something better, but even if I'm honest about my intentions, is that a moral thing to do?

 

Based on personal experience, dating advice tip #1

When you are on a first date, refrain from telling the woman that you Googled her.

If you accidently let this common sense judgment slip, hold back from asking her about the exboyfriend who she's with in Google image searches.

And definitely, DEFINITELY do not admit to then Googling her exboyfriend and disliking his political remarks posted online.  On a first date.

The Self Medicator

In order to look cute in size 2 jeans, prevent diabetes, and maintain a healthy after-work social life, I get up at 5 am every morning to work out.  I don't have one of those jobs that you can mindlessly fumble through without killing another human, so I make it a point to get enough sleep to make basic math calculations the next day.  But the guy I'm dating now has been unemployed for a few weeks, and we are clearly on different sleep schedules.

We met up last week around 9, and I warned him I was fading fast.  By 10 I was ready to go to sleep.  We could hear the rain pounding outside, so I invited him to stay the night and avoid walking home two miles in a downpour.  I wasn't going to be much company, but he was free to use my computer, read my books, and raid the refrigerator.

For the next several hours, I could hear him milling about my apartment.  He woke me up at one point to ask if he could have some wine and at another point to cuddle with me in bed.  I drifted in and out of slumber, awake enough to be irritated but too exhausted to tell him to stop.  At some late hour, he finally fell asleep.  I was so relieved.

The alarm seemed to go off all too soon and blurry-eyed, I stumbled into the bathroom.  Right away, I knew something was off.  My cabinet was flung open, feminine hygiene products littering the floor and pill bottles disturbed.  A bottle of Benadryl was open with the cap lying in the sink.  I was baffled.  Why would the guy I'm dating go through my pills, take a sleeping aid, and then leave an obvious trail of evidence?  And furthermore, why did he not go for the Ambien?

I found my answer when I went into the kitchen and saw a 24 ounce bottle of beer and another bottle of wine standing empty on my counter.  As I was fast asleep, he was trying to get there himself.  Alcohol and raiding pills were involved, and he was too drunk to worry about capping the bottle or closing the cabinet door.

I instinctively took the Ambien out of the cabinet and hid it in a drawer in my clothes closet.  I'm not the smartest dater in the world, but when I find myself hiding prescription medication from men who are spending the night, I recognize a big red flag.