What Men Say While Having Sex

Stolen from a friend's personal experience:

"I'm gonna cum like global warming!"



 

On a Roll with Another Fourth Date

Here I am again, heading out tomorrow on a fourth date with the same man.  We met on OkCupid- a 91% match according to the website- and on our first date I could see why.

He stood out from most of the men I'm meeting in Seattle.  He is older, for one, experienced enough in dating to show up in a clean shirt and to text promptly the next day stating his interest and asking me out again.  He is also accomplished in his non-tech career, has lived abroad in several countries, and I'm pretty certain has never been arrested.  Vegetarian?  Check.  Yogini?  Check.  Drinks alcohol?  Check.  He suggested, for our second date, that we go skydiving.  I think he was joking, but I took note that he shares my penchant for the crazy before I shot him down and suggested dinner instead.

In keeping with my pattern of stellar sexual decisions when I drink alcohol, we had sex on the third date.  I don't remember much about the sex except that it happened, and it was unexpected until I drank two Negronis and a glass of sparkling wine.  He appropriately said afterwards "I get that you're someone who needs your own personal space," and did the 4 am Capitol Hill Walk of Shame rather than spend the night.

I woke up the next morning and felt sick to my stomach as the situation hit me...  Am I capable of having sex sober any more? was the first thought, followed by Do I like this guy? and Do I even want to see him again?, with the answer to all three questions being a resounding I Don't Know.

But as usual, the men seem to know immediately that they are interested- probably because I'm fucking them.  "You're pretty awesome" was the text message I received the next morning.  "I have to go to Atlanta this Thursday-Sunday.  Want to go out before then?"

And that is how fourth dates are made.




 

My Algorithm

One thing is for certain:  After three years of this, my dates are definitely getting better.  I've figured out my own OKC algorithm that goes something as follows:

                                                                   Does he work in tech?
                                                         ____________↓__________________
                                                       yes                                                           no
                                                          ↓                                                             ↓
                                                 Dealbreaker                           Does he identify himself as polyamorous?
                      (eliminates 90% of my dating pool)          ________________↓______________
                                                                                     no                                                             yes
                                                                                      ↓                                                               ↓
                                                         Are there any pictures with his shirt                            Dealbreaker
                                                  off or him posing in front of a motorcycle?    
                                          ______________________↓_____________________             
                                        no                                                                                    yes
                                         ↓                                                                                       ↓
Is there at least one photograph with no facial hair, thus                                  Dealbreaker
           proving he knows how to hold a razor?
            ______________ ↓______________________
          no                                                                        yes
           ↓                                                                           ↓
   Dealbreaker                                               Does he do ANY of the following:
                                                               Speak a second language/work in healthcare/
                                                               hike/practice yoga/want to live abroad/be Jewish/
                                                                      mention social justice in his profile?
                                                         _______________↓___________________
                                                      yes                                                                  no
                                                        ↓                                                                     ↓
                         Does he do ANY of the following:                                     Dealbreaker
                   Play computer games/list "sex" as a skill/
                   live on the eastside/talk about his iphone/
                   proclaim himself to be a "nerd", "geek,"
                                            or "dork"?
                               ____________↓______________
                            yes                                                 no
                              ↓                                                   ↓
                     Dealbreaker                  Yay!  Potential love!  Let's go on a date!
                               
                                                     

                           
                                       
                                                              
                                                                    
 

Tinder

Alright, Life, I call bullshit, because while I am arguably a basket case when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, my friend "A", who lives in Chicago, is not.  She is a successful, 32 year old inner-city public school teacher who not only has her shit together but is intelligent, fun, and smokin' hot.  There is no reason- NO REASON- for this woman to be single (as judged impartially by myself), and yet she has not had a serious relationship in over ten years.

We discussed our perpetually unfulfilling love lives over drinks in Lincoln Park last night, and "A," who has long been resistant to internet dating, revealed that several weeks ago she signed up for Tinder.  Tinder is something I would love to try if it were not for my stubbornness to accept new technology into my life.  The key necessity for Tinder is a smartphone, and in 2014, I am still flipping my phone open.

"A" set her Tinder age limits from 26-35 and promptly started communication with a man at the younger end of the demographic.  She was out one night when he texted her to ask what she was up to.

"Oh, just at a bar with friends."

"Well, how would you like it if I went down on you for one hour and then bought you a martini?"

"A" didn't think she would like that at all.  In fact, her first thought was that no woman would like it if a man went down on her for an hour.  Did this 26 year old have any knowledge of female sexual response?  Women would like it if men performed oral sex for 5-10 minutes and then proceeded to intercourse.  Sixty minutes of tongue lashing sounded like ten minutes of enjoyment followed by fifty minutes of staring at the ceiling while making a grocery list.

Her second thought was "a martini"?  What kind of woman did he think she is?  She much prefers Bud Light or a glass of house red.  Anyways, if he was going to buy her a martini, it would probably have to be before the excruciatingly boring hour of cunnilingus and not after.  Even his timing was off.