Back to the Drawing Board

As I regroup and sort through my OkCupid matches, I fall back to thinking about my serious boyfriends and how they shaped the qualities that I am looking for.  My dating choices have long perplexed my friends because on the surface, I don't seem to have a "type."

Three times I have been in love.

#1 is White, Jewish, 31 years old, raised by a single dad, lives in Germany, is working on a PhD, and is brilliant as fuck.

#2 is Latino, Catholic, 29 years old, raised by a single mom, lives in Guatemala, dropped out of college to become a priest, then dropped out of the priesthood to work in business and not be celibate.

#3 is Black, Baptist, 27 years old, raised by married parents, lives in America, went to college for one quarter, joined the military, served in Iraq, and then became a medical assistant.

So what do they all have in common, besides me?

They were all fun, up for anything at any moment, could have an equally good time camping under the stars as tearing up the dance floor. 

They were all easy-going, patient, difficult to anger. 

They were all good listeners with open minds.

They all made me want to be a better person.

It is this last commonality that I focus on most because when I'm in love, I'm inspired to live ethically.  If a man doesn't challenge me to improve, the relationship isn't worth it.

So back to square one with some clarity and focus- until another distraction comes along.





 

This is What Closure Looks Like

We met to break up in person at a coffee shop and smiled at each other the entire time.  It felt more like a date than a breakup, which made me question again why we were not dating, even though I implicitly knew the answer.

"In short, you talk too much," is what he said.  "But you should keep it like that.  That's who you are and it's great."

I tried to argue but then realized I was talking too much.

I subscribe to a dating truism that the core of someone's character comes out during a breakup.  How do they handle conflict?  Hurting another person?  Making plans for a future friendship or lackthereof?

And if two people can sit down over coffee, thank each other for a good time, laugh at our dating personalities, consent to possible booty calls in the future, and agree to look out for potential matches for the other person, I would say both he and myself passed the character test with flying colors.

Moving on to potential first date #38.

A Seattle Girl's Guide to Getting Over A Text Message Breakup

I will always be thankful to my exboyfriend (and last serious relationship two years ago) for ending things in the worst way possible.  When the person you are in love with is tagged as someone else's boyfriend in a Facebook photo, all subsequent breakups seem inconsequential.  Granted, comparing love that ends in a swirl of lies to feelings after dating someone for five weeks is not exactly fair, but this time around I'm eating, I'm sleeping, and I'm not popping Vicodin or thinking about driving my car off a cliff into the river.  Hell yeah, this girl's got coping mechanisms!

My process for healing myself:

1)  Take a pregnancy test.  If it is negative, repeat every week until I get my period.  If it is positive,- thank God that has never happened.

2)  Run.  Run fast.  Run the fuck out of the pavement.  Run past the sweat, the breathlessness, the pain in my legs.  Run until I feel strong again and then keep running until I feel stronger.  Run knowing that I could outrun in distance every man I've ever dated.  Tell myself that my ability to run is a clear indicator of my superiority.

3)  Ask for support.  The first boy I kissed, my oldest friend since we were five years old, my best friend from college, my two single girlfriends in Seattle- they all delivered with phone calls, cheer-up text messages, and warmth so deep it reminded me that I can be romantically single and still have love.

4)  Get back in the game immediately.  If the opportunity to have sex presents itself, do it.  When the next guy I sleep with doesn't want to see me again, it will be a welcome distraction from the one who came before him.  The cycle has to continue until the right person comes along, and then it will stop.

Coping takes practice and skill.  I get better at it every time.

 

The Text Message Breakup

We live in a virtual dating world where phone calls and face-to-face communication are often obsolete.  Who wants to risk the fear of rejection by calling a woman and having a conversation?  Better to send a text or email and see if she responds.  Written answers are carefully thought out with the goal of sparing feelings; if no one sees or hears the disappointment of the other party, it never existed.  This is how we keep things laidback in an increasingly casual dating society.

Which is why, on my fifth date with this man, I made a request:  "When you want to stop seeing me, please send me a text message and let me know."  I don't need to endure a silent dinner or an awkward morning in bed to be told in person that things aren't working out.  At this stage in the game, drama-free is what I'm looking for. 

Let me preface this with saying that I always knew this man would end things with me.  I saw the signs that a serious relationship was not in the cards, but I am a single woman who has had about three or four decent dates in the last two years, so I will ride out the chemistry when I find it.  Do I care that we have different visions for our futures and opposing communication styles?  Yes.  Do I care enough to stop having great sex and occasional companionship?  Ha.

So when I received a text message saying it was over, I was not surprised.  Sad to lose opportunities for intimacy, disappointed to put an end to the best series of dates I've had in WAY too long, hurt that he wasn't interested enough to look past the obvious deficiencies we had, but not surprised at all.  My exboyfriends who read this blog will be shocked to know I didn't even cry.

I got to process it on my own time.  There were no accusations or screaming.  He did not shake me like a rag doll.  I didn't have to pretend to look or feel a certain way.  It was the perfect breakup, except for one thing:  I wanted to talk about it in person.

He said that would be fine but "Let's keep it short and try to avoid beating this into the ground."

I was annoyed with his curtness until I realized that with one sentence, he perfectly summed up exactly why this didn't work out.  I need more compassion in my men.  He needs more emotional restraint in his women.

But hey, I will take fun and failure in dating any day over boredom. 



 



 

Nine Dates with the Same Man

Per my request, when we had sex for the first time, he kept it normal.  He spent the night and the next morning with me, cuddled me an appropriate amount, kissed me goodbye.  We agreed to table the ass issue for at least a few months.  For the first time in almost a year, I had sex that was meaningful to me.  As we laid in bed talking and kissing each other, the kisses had purpose.

But I have dated enough to know that just because sex has meaning to one person doesn't mean that it has meaning to both and so one afternoon, as we were riding in the car, the topic of what we're looking for came up.

"I know exactly what I'm looking for," he shared. "I just can't put it into words."

Bad sign.

"Well," I asked, "are you sleeping with anyone else?"

"I'm not," he replied.  "But you should assume that I am."

One thing I believe wholeheartedly after dating nearly forty men over the last year and a half, is that we are all looking for love.  Love means different things to each of us and we arrive there in various ways, but at the end of the day, everyone wants to be fulfilled by someone who is equally fulfilled by them.  We date, we are physically intimate, we force relationships that aren't right, because we so desperately want that unspoken connection to another human.

This man confirmed my belief, in a roundabout way.  "I am looking for something serious, but I want a woman to love me for who I am.  I'm not going to change."

He is 36 years old and has never been married, so that sounded fitting.

"...And I'm not going to be pushed into monogamy right away.  I've done that before and it's not what I want."

My heart sank.  I was on my most successful string of dates with a man in two years, and he didn't want to see me exclusively.  Figured.

"But what I like about you, R______, is that you seem open minded and you communicate well.  That's why I'm pursuing this, to see if we could have something more."

I realized, as soon as he said it, that the lack of monogamy is not a deal-breaker for me- at least not yet.  He was right.  If we are looking for love, it makes sense to date other people until we get there, to not cut off our options while we're trying to figure out if us having a relationship is a good idea.  I have a great job, supportive friends, fulfilling hobbies, and personal goals on the horizon.  We don't need to prematurely merge our lives.

Plus, how could nonmonogamy be a deal-breaker when he is the best time I've had with a man since I was last in love?

Remember the Other Guy?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot that for the last three months I have been seeing someone else.  The formal dates gradually turned into drunk, late-night booty calls, as I tried to distance myself from a  relationship which I had no emotional investment in.  From the beginning he wanted more than I could give and in the end, I knew he would be hurt.  I was always honest about my lack of interest in a relationship with him.  He reported that this was fine, but deep down I knew better.

As I was busy getting down with this new guy, I could hear my cell phone ringing in the background.  "Dammit baby I need yo body" was one of the texts.  "Are you going to be free tonight?"

I responded afterwards with a little white lie:  "I was at dinner and it ran late."  As soon as I sent it, I knew that the booty calls were done.  I had lied to a partner, and I felt guilty.

I thought he deserved a full conversation, so I decided to tell him in person.  Big mistake.  We met up for drinks and instead of telling him how I felt, we started making out.  After about ten seconds of kissing, my head was swimming and I pulled away.  I told him that I couldn't see him any more, that I wanted to be friends but we had to take the intimacy out of the relationship.

In spite of the fact that my lack of romantic feelings were clearly stated from date #3, he appeared dumbfounded.  He tried to argue with me and insisted that he could handle casual sex with no strings attached.  I stood my ground.

"So you asked me out tonight to break up with me?," he asked.  "Because this would have been a bang-up phone conversation."

Noted.

I spent a good portion of an hour explaining that I wanted out of our non-relationship, so when a slough of text messages arrived later that night I was perplexed.

"I didn't see a change in gears in the offing, as honest as you were with me you either weren't as honest with yourself or the power dynamics tilted sensationally away from me.  I spent the last three weeks missing you but the function of me not doing so was greater than the reality.  I'm trying to understand the function."

Huh?!? 

And they continued:  "I'm totally addicted to our physical chemistry, so it's tough.  I hope you see fit to get naked with me once again, otherwise I harbor absolutely no ill will."

I responded, "Ok, thanks.  I will let you know if anything changes.  Either way, I'm happy to have your friendship."

But was that the end?  Oh no.  There had to be a last word:  "After further thought still, in honesty I do have deeper feelings for you that I have sublimated for a roll in the hay (that I don't even qualify for any longer) so don't bother pondering any more I'm not interested."

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.