Everyone Is Looking for Something

There is a greater chance that I will randomly run into a man who I went on a first date with than go on a second date with him.  It's true; I have counted.

This past Sunday, however, I ran into a man who I went on multiple dates with in January.  On the second date we slept together, and I was handed the awkward but necessary task of sending him an "I'm not interested" text message a few days later.  We settled on a friends-with-benefits type relationship and continued to hang out casually, a few times a month, until he landed himself a girlfriend a few weeks ago.  I was bummed to lose my hookup buddy in Seattle, but I was genuinely happy for him.

"Things are going great," he told me, as we caught up briefly on his lunch break.  "She's got a lot of connections in the art world in Seattle and she's gonna try and get my art shown at events.  And she's really nice- like, she put a jar next to my bed and will drop coins in it so I can save up for art supplies or we can go away together.  And she likes trains too!"  He train hops.  It was a match made in heaven.

"That's great!", I said, "I'm glad things are going so well!"

"There's just one thing I wish I could change about her," he started off.  Uh oh... 

"I wish she would lose some weight.  I mean, I feel like a jerk, but attraction is a really important part of a relationship!  Don't judge me."

I didn't judge him.

"Also, she talks a lot.  A few nights ago she talked for fifteen minutes straight, and I was kind of annoyed.  Then she stopped talking and asked me if I thought she talked a lot, and I said yes, and then she started crying!  I felt really bad."

I started to judge him.

"Another weird thing is she suggested that we should move in together, and we've only been dating for three weeks."

I was full-on judging.

"So," I clarified, "What you like about her is she has art connections and gives you money and likes trains?!?"

 I then gave him some love advice, because I totally know what I'm talking about.

"I just feel like three weeks in you should be all like 'Fuck Yeah!!!' about this girl, and you don't seem like you're thinking that.  So I think you should tell her."

And this is why I am single.

Lesson Learned

 

If you're going to have the kind of sex that leaves a gigantic bruise on your shoulder, you should probably make sure you don't have to stand up in a strapless bridesmaid dress at your brother's wedding any time soon.

 

 

 

 

What Happens in Oregon Stays in Oregon

On a mission to find a new place to call home, I drove to Bend, Oregon last weekend and picked up Crazy Chinatown Man along the way.  He had been off of opiates for over two weeks and warned me that he might be quiet and/or strange.  If High-On-Opiates was his baseline, I was curious to see Sober.

I didn't find him any odder than usual until it was time to go to sleep and we undressed, got into bed, cuddled, and didn't kiss.  He a naked man and I a naked woman, yet we lay there with virtually no contact.  I tried a bit, but he didn't seem interested.  We went to sleep.

My neuroses flared up as I fired off all the reasons in my mind that he wasn't interested in sex, with the following being the most logical:

He thinks I'm fat. 

-Closely followed by He doesn't think I'm pretty.
 
The next morning we woke up- still not touching- got dressed, and decided to spend some time hiking for the day.  It was about 4 in the afternoon when we returned after grabbing something to eat, and I'd resigned myself to the fact that we were probably just going to hang out as friends.  We'd spent over 24 hours together by that point with minimal physical intimacy, and I decided he just wasn't feeling it.  I was disappointed but not upset with the change of pace, and I realized that I liked spending time with him- sexual or not- which is more than I can say for most men I've slept with.  I would have preferred to have sex, yet I was still enjoying his company without it.

Then fresh out of the shower with a towel around his waist, he pulled me toward him and kissed me suddenly.  "I want to have sex with you,"  he said, and pinned me against the wall.  The sex was great, as it always has been- so good that I didn't notice he'd bit my shoulder hard enough to cause a bruise until I saw myself in the mirror.

We went back to not touching, and the neuroses set in again.  All I wanted to do was ask him lots of questions that I'm certain he didn't want to answer:  Why didn't you want to have sex with me last night?  How can you seem completely uninterested and then have sex with the intensity that causes black and blue contusions?  Do you just see me as a friend who you fuck?  Will you ever see me as anything more?  Do you like me?  On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like me?  Did you only like me because you were high on approximately 20-40 mg of oxycodone a day?  Remember when you said we should have kids together and we named them?  Was that because you were high on approximately 20-40 mg of oxycodone a day?  Because I WASN'T AND YOU SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH A 32 YEAR OLD WOMAN'S BIOLOGIC CLOCK LIKE THAT!!!!!!  Do you think I'm fat?  Do you think I'm pretty?

There are some questions in dating that are so pointless they should never be said out loud, and all of the above fall into that category.  At a future juncture I may need to ask some of them- or all of them- but the moment is not now, when we live in different states, when our individual trajectories are uncertain, when all there is to do is hang out and enjoy each other's company if the opportunity arises. 

I've historically formed my best relationships with men when we both know it can't go anywhere, and I can't help thinking that's why Crazy Chinatown Man and I get along so well.

I Was Promised Single Men

I was promised single men at the barbeque I went to yesterday, and they were there, all White and working in tech, which is to be expected at any party I go to in Seattle these days.  The most attractive had a huge beard: "He's growing it as part of a competition".  I think they all are.

My friend's boyfriend, the host of the party, pulled me aside and said "I know you don't like men in tech, but we're not all bad.  These are nice guys."  I gave it an honest shot, and holy fuck was it painful.

"Seattle's so expensive now we're all gonna have to buy homes in the Black neighborhoods" was the gem of the evening.  There was a point in my life when I would have responded fiercely, but the tide has turned against me and I'm tired, so I just got another beer.

I heard the words "operating system" repeated frequently as well as the acronym "CSV," and I sat in a yard chair smiling and trying to look engaged.  A man made a joke about being in a good position to see up my skirt- because god-forbid you should try and look at body parts above my neck when talking to me.  I twisted my legs in the other direction.

One of the men mentioned how he didn't like dating in Seattle because "I tell a girl I work in tech and it's automatic points against me."  I couldn't argue.  I feel bad for my prejudice but also note that I've had sexual relationships with an unemployed opiate addict, a man working minimum wage in the Whole Foods deli, several alcoholics, and a single father/pot dealer because they were a better time than anyone I went out with who could fix my computer.  (Of notable exception is Engineer with the Houseboat, but HE LIVED ON A HOUSEBOAT, so how could I not?)

 

Snippets

You know that moment when Crazy Colorado Man sends you a text message that says, "Are you horny?" and you respond with "I'm eating frozen yogurt with my friend and her niece, so no."

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Added to my 11/2/13 blog post about classy things men say when you're in their arms after sex:

"If you got pregnant, would you get an abortion?"


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Added to my 8/3/14 blog post about classy things men say when they take you to Vashon Island to break up with you:

"R__________, I'm not saying I'm never going to have sex with you again.  I'm saying I'm TEMPORARILY not going to have sex with you."

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