Sunday, June 30, 2013

Speed Dating

Speed dating sounds like the lamest way ever to meet a date, but I've been single for two years so I will leave no rock unturned.  In the age of internet dating, when I meet a man in person and know within ten seconds that I'm not attracted to him yet have to feign polite interest through a round of drinks, the efficiency of meeting twenty men for five minutes each has an appeal. 

I had very, very low expectations for the evening, and as we rotated through our speed dates my apprehensions were met.

"I work at Microsoft."

"I'm an engineer at Boeing."

"I'm a project manager for Amazon."

And on and on and on.

Fortunately, I had anticipated this situation, so I came prepared!  Fucking shoot me if I had to sit through two hours of geeks talk about their jobs and lives in Woodinville.  I made my own icebreaker questions:

"If you could commit a crime and get away with it, what would you do?"

"Bank robbery," said every man, except for one who said "casino robbery."  He got extra points for creativity.  My answer?  Human trafficking.  (Anthropology major in me:  Let's help our fellow humans find a better life in America!)

"If you could go back in time to any year of your life, what year would it be and why?"

Best answer:  "I would go back to age 15 and would study harder so I could get into Harvard and be more successful."  Oh dear God.

"If you won 100 million dollars, what would you do with it?"

-"I'd invest it and make more money."  I had zero interest in dating him, but would he like to be my financial advisor?

And so the evening went.  I became increasingly exhausted meeting single man after single man, trying to string together coherent conversations.  Then a man rotated to the seat in front of me who piqued my interest.

I could tell from his name that he was Israeli.  "Are you Jewish?"  Yes.  "Me too!"  He was attractive with a nice smile, and when he told me his job I heard the word "environmental" and was sold.  I don't remember the other words that followed, but we only had five minutes on our date and I had to make a snap judgment.  Cute, interesting, possibly outdoorsy, definitely Jewish...  Out of the twenty men I met that night, he was the only name I wrote down on a piece of paper to hand back to the speed dating host.

And of course, as fate would have it, my single friend who accompanied me to speed dating wrote down his name as well.  We decided all's fair in love and war, and if necessary we'd have a threesome.

The way speed dating works, for those unfamiliar, is if two people write down each other's names, it's a mutual match.  The hosts send you an email later with contact information of the person you matched with, and you take it from there.

"Did he feel a connection too?" is the big question that loomed over my mind for the next day.  "I thought he liked me, but maybe he's just nice to everyone."  I like to think that I'm good at reading men and figuring out when there is interest, but you never know.

Two days later I received an email from the speed dating host.  "Fabulous news!  I have a mutual date-mate match for you!"  It had his contact information.  My friend came up empty.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Two More Years

I got loan repayment.  Contract signed.  Two more years in Seattle.

Maybe in that time period shaving one's beard will become hip again.  A single girl can only hope.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Big Decisions

Sometime in the next week, I will get a letter telling me if I've been awarded a loan repayment contract for working as a medical provider at a low-income community health center.  If I'm offered a contract, I commit to staying with my employer for another two years and my student debt will be eliminated.  If I'm not offered a contract, I have two choices:  1) Stay in Seattle and reapply next year.  2) Move to a location where I am more likely to be awarded loan repayment.  Two major cities that I would live in are on the list: New York and Chicago.  And every time I go to New York, I get laid.

This has been weighing on me for the last month.  With every disappointing date I go on I get more and more anxious to leave, but as Seattle heads into summer, I remember why this city is so fucking amazing. 

We have naked bicyclists on parade at a solstice festival, yo!  By popular vote, we legalized the marriages of all people, gay or straight,  AND allowed their friends to legally get stoned at their weddings!  We have bike paths and green energy and composting!  We have shimmering lakes, mountain ranges, an incredible urban park system!  Sustainable vegetarian restaurants!  Amazing music!  Orca whales!  Farmers markets!  Killer pho!  Gorgeous drag queens!

And last night, when I was post-solstice parade trashed at 10 pm and I found myself lying alone on the grass in Gasworks Park, watching the sky turn pink over Lake Union and light the rooftops of Capitol Hill, and my friend drove over to pick me up and drive me home because I was too drunk to keep walking, I realized that I have pretty incredible friendships here too.

The weird thing about being single is that when everything else is going so well in your life, you still feel unfulfilled.  I could not ask for a better career, friendships, or life in this city, but a part of me constantly feels empty.  That I should feel unsuccessful or like a failure because I'm not in a relationship makes no sense.  Yet I do.

Loan repayment or a boyfriend.  One of two things will keep me in Seattle.  I'll find out soon.
 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Best of OkCupid

Messages in my inbox, in their entirety... 
 
1)"Hello there, I enjoy traveling too!, most recently to Scandinavia ((Sweden,Denmark, Norway, Finland) how about you? What are your fav cuisines?? Mine are Thai, Greek, Indian."
You like Thai food also?!?!?  I always pick my dates based on the food they eat.

2) "hello what are you doing tonight?Im at home with no plans i \m in west seattle get back to me let me know whats up?"
Sounds promising.  Dropping all plans to meet this one.

3) "why did chicken cross the road?"
Best pickup line EVER!!!!

4) "Hey"

Second best pickup line EVER!!!!

5) "hey sexy whats up"
You had me at "hey"

6) "U look incridable with the curly hair :)"

I was shooting for incredible, but I'll take incridable.

7)  You are super cute.  Do you mind if I pleasure myself to your photos?

Sounds like you already did.

Monday, June 17, 2013

It Could be Worse

My dating life isn't the only one that is sucking in Seattle.  A good friend of mine has been doing the Craigslist and OkCupid scene for the last year without success.  She had a particularly bad date this week, which I asked her to sum up in a one-sentence text message.  For your reading pleasure...

"Polyamorous man looking for a 'secondary' partner for an emotional bdsm relationship whose name is in fact his World of Warcraft username." 


 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Mr. Polyamory

On a Saturday night at Golden Gardens, celebrating a Jewish holiday with a beach bonfire and singing, I locked eyes with a man who then came over to talk.  He introduced himself and explained that he wasn't Jewish, but he likes to take the number 49 bus from the central district to Golden Gardens with a bag full of musical instruments to find people to jam with.

Ponder that last sentence for a moment, and tell me it's not the most Seattle-ish thing you've ever heard.

We kept talking and then he paused when his cell phone rang.  He glanced at the number and said, "Oh, it's my lover."

I was a bit confused, thinking that I misread his social cues, until he explained that they were in an open relationship.  She, naturally, is a doula and labor and delivery nurse.  "We take care of each other," he elaborated.  "Do you have a lover?"

"No," I said.  I don't have a lover, I don't have a husband, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a friend with benefits or even a decent date.  I am completely single.  Thanks for the reminder.

He asked if I wanted to jam with him.  How could I refuse?  I played the shaker while he played his homemade didgeridoo made out of PVC pipe decorated with handpainted Aboriginal patterns.

The chill of the night on a Seattle beach set in, and I decided to head home.  We exchanged numbers, and then next day he sent me a text message asking to see me again.  He gave me three potential evenings that he was free, all at least two weeks in advance.  "Why are you so busy?," I asked.

"I'm not that busy.  I just have so many wonderful people in my life to share my time with."

Oh God.

He invited me to a dinner party at his home the next night.  I wasn't planning on going, but I had a date earlier in the evening that was so painfully boring I decided I needed some entertainment afterwards.  Quirkiness I can handle.  Boredom is a dealbreaker.

I showed up at his home in the central district, where he and five of his White friends were smoking pot and celebrating the night with their own tribal drum circle.  I joined in again with the shaker, and as the howl of the didgeridoo filled the room he started chanting:

I will sing this song for you
So you know my love is true
Music goes into our soul
When we all smoke a bowl

I remembered I had a job to be at the next morning, and I left.

He called me the next day to chat.  I asked how his day was, and he responded "I just had a really good conversation with my roommate about white privilege.  I hadn't thought about that in awhile." Said by a man who painted his own Aboriginal symbols on a PVC pipe and called it a didgeridoo.

A week later, I received the following text: "Greetings from the green man!  Care to join me for a spring Beltane celebration this Sunday?  Noon at Ravenna Park.  Dress festive, you could win a crown!"

I was in Chicago for the week and had never heard of Beltane in my life, so I declined.  That was the last I heard of him.  I trust that he is being taken care of by his lover.


 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Geography

I went out with a lawyer in his late 30s last week.  Things were looking promising, by which I mean he looked like his internet pictures and could hold a conversation.  Then the following happened...

Me:  "I'm a vegetarian, but I'm not super strict about it.  Like, if I'm in another country where vegetarian food isn't available or I can't communicate in the language, I'll eat meat."

Lawyer:  "So basically you'd eat meat anywhere outside of the US or Canada?"

Me:  "Well I speak Spanish, so it would really have to be outside of North and South America."

Lawyer:  "Oh.  But in Argentina you'd be able to eat meat!"

Me:  "Um, they speak Spanish in Argentina."

Lawyer:  "Really?  What's the country in South America where they don't speak Spanish?"

Me:  "Brazil.  They speak Portuguese."

Lawyer:  "Are you sure?"

Yes.  I'm sure.