Values

"I think it's important to know a few things about what makes someone tick, even before deciding to go on a blind date.   I value mental exercise, nature, my family, my spiritual practice and exercise above all other things. In a partner, I value self-respect, and that they have goals, hobbies, and a sense of humor.  What things do you value in life and in people?"

The above section of an email came from a man who is a friend of a friend of a friend.  If you haven't noticed, this is a consistent pattern in my dating life.  How many degrees of separation does it take to get a date in Seattle?  Apparently, several.

I found it odd that he had such strong criteria for a first date.  In April I had a man who I spent 48 hours with planning to move across the country to date me.  Did either of us ask the other what we valued?  No.  But first dates, man...  Gotta figure things out before the first date.

I responded, "I value health, social justice, learning, a connection to the environment, and my relationships with people.  In a partner I value honesty, open-mindedness, and a sense of obligation to the world around them.  Also, I value fun!  The serious stuff is good as well, but I need to smile and laugh and joke around with a partner."

He did not respond, so I assume our values did not align.  How can you not value fun?!?  Glad we saved ourselves some time!

When It Rains, It Pours

Today I renewed my driver's license with a photo of me with a giant hickey on my neck.

Wait, let me back up.

He was a friend of a friend, which is usually how my more successful dates start.  The mutual friend didn't think he was my type, but she thought we should all go out casually together and see if there was any chemistry.

He was Black and a social worker, which is my type if I ever had one.  Not White AND helps to save the world?  Sold!  Didn't matter that he was four years my junior.  I asked him out, and we went out for dinner and drinks later that week.  Our first date ended at his apartment, holding hands and making out in his living room.  I had fun.

I had a general feeling all along that I was more interested than he was.  It was refreshing, though, after being on countless dates where I was the uninterested party, to want to pursue someone else.   When you sit through date after date with no chemistry on your end, it is fun to finally feel a little emotion, even if you sense the emotion doesn't flow both ways.

He came over to my apartment on the second date to "watch a movie."  The movie never even started before we began to kiss, clothes were removed, and we migrated to the bedroom.  When we were lying in a sweaty mess an hour later I knew that he wasn't feeling it and, being honest with myself, I wasn't either.  Sex on the second date can be a good thing when the chemistry's right but fails miserably when the chemistry wasn't entirely there to being with.

Which brings me to today, when I have a hickey the size of Texas on my neck, I had a driver's license photo taken, I have to go to work wearing a turtleneck in mid-July, and I received a very cordial text message from a man saying he does not want to date me but would like to "hang out as friends".  Yikes!

I've had casual sex twice in the last eight days.  It was needed- badly- but I think the itch is scratched, and I'm set in that department for awhile.  I have more dates lined up this week, and I'm going to focus on seeing if there is potential for a relationship that lasts longer than a night or two.  For now, sex can wait until the fourth date.

God Bless Seattle

I just went on a blind date with a man who wore flannel.  In July. 

We played cribbage.

Would that happen in any other city?

The Second Date

I asked my most recent Match date what he wanted to do for our second date last night. 

His response:  "I'm in a pretty mellow mood.  I could happily sit on a couch and watch a movie."

As previously mentioned, I am down to have some short-term fun, and it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that sitting on a couch and watching a movie on a second date is polite way of saying that that he wants some fun as well.

We watched about ten minutes of the movie before the fun began.  It ended about half an hour later, and I was content.  Then I learned a lesson:  Short-term fun sometimes wants to spend the night and cuddle and give back massages and sleep in.  When the fun happens at your own apartment, it is rude to tell someone you really just want to sleep by yourself and possibly never see them again.  By the next morning, I never wanted a man to leave my apartment so badly.

If short-term fun would just come in 1-2 hour increments once a week, that would be cool.

Putting the Passive back in Passive Aggressive

I went on a bomb-ass date this week with a guy from Match.  Chemistry was there, and about ten minutes into the date I decided that I would sleep with him if given the opportunity.  He wasn't a perfect fit for what I'm looking for and I'm not sure I see any long-term potential, but- even better- I see a lot of short-term potential!!!  I haven't been kissed since March, so short-term potential is pretty damn important right now.

Above all, the passive aggressiveness in Seattle is what kills me with dating.  He had a good time- I was sure of it- and I knew he was interested.  He initiated contact with me via text a couple days later, and the following messages were sent: 

Him:  Hope you had a great 4th.

Me:  I did.  I went hiking, although it involved ingesting more calories than I worked out.

Him:  Haha that is how mine usually are!

[Ten minute break in between text messages while I wait for him to ask me out...]

Him:  Any fun plans this weekend?

Me:  Hiking all day Saturday.  What are you up to?

Him:  Riding at some point.

[Another ten minute break before I get fed up and ask him out]

Me:  Well, want to do something fun when you're not riding and I'm not hiking?

Him:  I think we can figure something out ;)

Me:  You free Saturday night?  I could go out later in the evening.

Him:  I think I can do that.

Me:  You can check your busy dating schedule and get back to me.

Him:  Yes I can do that!

Thank God I went to a women's college.  If it wasn't for a healthy dose of feminism, things would be bleak around here...

Information Technology

I dream about living in a city where I go on dates with men who don't talk about systems of codes in software that is the user experience design for Bitmap compatible with the database of the digital desktop driver for the virtual memory of the spreadsheet.

Also, a city where men shave and reserve flannel shirts for logging trips only.

Hey I heard you were a wild one

This week, I was set up on a date with a 40 year old friend of a friend of my exboyfriend with the lying problem.  He's divorced, has two children who he left behind in Peru, and works as a professional mover.  Before we met, he sent me an email asking me for medical advice.  Heading into the date I was pessimistic, but I felt like I should give my lying exboyfriend's friend of a friend the opportunity to win me over. 

To his credit, this was not the worst date I have been on.  In fact, it was not even in the bottom fifty percent.  He did spend most of the time looking over my shoulder at the soccer game on tv, but at least he didn't talk about an IT job.

I might have considered a second date, had the following revelation not come to light:

"I lived in Miami for four years, but I never went to the beach.  Not even once!"

Any other Seattleite who lives under a permacloud for nine months a year would have looked at him like he was crazy as well. 

"Do you not like the beach?!?"

"No, I love the beach!  I was just too busy working."

Whoa there, not sure I can keep up with his rock'n'roll lifestyle.  I'll have to pass.