Per my request, when we had sex for the first time, he kept it normal. He spent the night and the next morning with me, cuddled me an appropriate amount, kissed me goodbye. We agreed to table the ass issue for at least a few months. For the first time in almost a year, I had sex that was meaningful to me. As we laid in bed talking and kissing each other, the kisses had purpose.
But I have dated enough to know that just because sex has meaning to one person doesn't mean that it has meaning to both and so one afternoon, as we were riding in the car, the topic of what we're looking for came up.
"I know exactly what I'm looking for," he shared. "I just can't put it into words."
Bad sign.
"Well," I asked, "are you sleeping with anyone else?"
"I'm not," he replied. "But you should assume that I am."
One thing I believe wholeheartedly after dating nearly forty men over the last year and a half, is that we are all looking for love. Love means different things to each of us and we arrive there in various ways, but at the end of the day, everyone wants to be fulfilled by someone who is equally fulfilled by them. We date, we are physically intimate, we force relationships that aren't right, because we so desperately want that unspoken connection to another human.
This man confirmed my belief, in a roundabout way. "I am looking for something serious, but I want a woman to love me for who I am. I'm not going to change."
He is 36 years old and has never been married, so that sounded fitting.
"...And I'm not going to be pushed into monogamy right away. I've done that before and it's not what I want."
My heart sank. I was on my most successful string of dates with a man in two years, and he didn't want to see me exclusively. Figured.
"But what I like about you, R______, is that you seem open minded and you communicate well. That's why I'm pursuing this, to see if we could have something more."
I realized, as soon as he said it, that the lack of monogamy is not a deal-breaker for me- at least not yet. He was right. If we are looking for love, it makes sense to date other people until we get there, to not cut off our options while we're trying to figure out if us having a relationship is a good idea. I have a great job, supportive friends, fulfilling hobbies, and personal goals on the horizon. We don't need to prematurely merge our lives.
Plus, how could nonmonogamy be a deal-breaker when he is the best time I've had with a man since I was last in love?
But I have dated enough to know that just because sex has meaning to one person doesn't mean that it has meaning to both and so one afternoon, as we were riding in the car, the topic of what we're looking for came up.
"I know exactly what I'm looking for," he shared. "I just can't put it into words."
Bad sign.
"Well," I asked, "are you sleeping with anyone else?"
"I'm not," he replied. "But you should assume that I am."
One thing I believe wholeheartedly after dating nearly forty men over the last year and a half, is that we are all looking for love. Love means different things to each of us and we arrive there in various ways, but at the end of the day, everyone wants to be fulfilled by someone who is equally fulfilled by them. We date, we are physically intimate, we force relationships that aren't right, because we so desperately want that unspoken connection to another human.
This man confirmed my belief, in a roundabout way. "I am looking for something serious, but I want a woman to love me for who I am. I'm not going to change."
He is 36 years old and has never been married, so that sounded fitting.
"...And I'm not going to be pushed into monogamy right away. I've done that before and it's not what I want."
My heart sank. I was on my most successful string of dates with a man in two years, and he didn't want to see me exclusively. Figured.
"But what I like about you, R______, is that you seem open minded and you communicate well. That's why I'm pursuing this, to see if we could have something more."
I realized, as soon as he said it, that the lack of monogamy is not a deal-breaker for me- at least not yet. He was right. If we are looking for love, it makes sense to date other people until we get there, to not cut off our options while we're trying to figure out if us having a relationship is a good idea. I have a great job, supportive friends, fulfilling hobbies, and personal goals on the horizon. We don't need to prematurely merge our lives.
Plus, how could nonmonogamy be a deal-breaker when he is the best time I've had with a man since I was last in love?
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