Did It

I felt particularly awful about having to send an "I'm not interested" text message because he was so nice.  I'd gone out with him twice, and he'd done nothing but be kind and unassuming.  There have been men who argued with me when I said I didn't want to see them again, and I knew he wouldn't be one of them.  He was going to be surprised and a little sad, but he would be courteous.

 

For several hours before the text went out, I ran potential versions past my friends.  "At the end of the day," they pointed out, "you guys had a good time together and he got laid, so I wouldn't worry about it that much." Excellent point, yet I still worried.  It had been only two dates but he'd made it clear that he liked me, and I hate being the cause of someone else's hurt. 

 

"Hey W_____, I wanted to follow up with you because I feel like my interests are aligning elsewhere, and the last thing I would want to do is lead you on.  I had a really fun time, and I wanted you to know."  I kept it intentionally simple; I didn’t want to patronize.
 

Over two hours passed before I heard back, and I knew he put thought into his choice of words because his previous responses had been immediate.

"I was disappointed to receive your last message.  You are great company.  I hope you find the person you're looking for."
 

It was the most gracious response to a breakup text I've gotten from a man, and I was sad because he was great company too.  But I want something else, and it would have been cruel to lead him on.

"That was a hard message for me to send because I think you're great company as well. I'm not looking for anything serious, but if you want to hang out and you're okay with casual, let me know."

I was drinking with friends when I sent the second text, and they all yelled at me.  "NO! Now you're leading this guy on and he's going to keep developing feelings for you!  The kinder thing would be to cut him off and not see him again."

I disagree.  I laid my cards on the table, and he is a rationale 35 year old adult.  If there is one thing I've learned in four years, it's that two people can stave off loneliness and enjoy each other's company without getting too attached, as long as intentions are clear.
 

Also, I'm kick-ass at casual sex- like, really, really good at it for having double X chromosomes.  It's an acquired skill.
 

"Yes, I would like to see you again.  I'm not looking for anything serious, and I'm okay with casual," he responded.

Everyone gets laid.  Everyone gets held.  Everyone wins.  Right?