Let's say, hypothetically of course, that a man told me he didn't want to date me because I don't make enough money, or because I don't own a smartphone, or because he doesn't like women with curly hair.
Or let's throw in some actual reasons that men have told me they don't want to date me: I'm white. I talk too much. I am too old and he loves the child of a younger woman he is seeing.
At the end of the day, does it matter why someone doesn't want to continue a romantic relationship? I don't need to spend any more of my time pursuing a man who has made it clear his interests are elsewhere. Begging someone to want my company when they don't is a big waste of time, and I am (we all are) worth more than that.
So I am always surprised when I end a romantic relationship with a man and I get an argument out of it, as was the case when I told my most recent fourth date that I did not want a fifth. I hate, HATE dramatic breakups, and I thought that I could get away with an easy "it's not working" text message and move on with my beautiful, sunny Seattle afternoon.
"I was thinking a lot about this the last week and I just keep feeling like dating-wise we are looking for different things. I've had a great time, but I don't think it will ultimately work for me. I feel weird about putting this in a text message, but I wasn't sure what to do."
End of story, right? One person doesn't want to date the other four dates in. No harm done.
Or not... "Different things? How so? I think you're pretty and smart and have a good heart. But if you don't feel the same, I want you to be able to find what you are looking for."
And thus, a TWO HOUR text exchange ensued in which I stated multiple times that I wanted to end our romantic relationship and he responded, regarding my dealbreaker, "there is no doubt in my mind that it's 100% fixable."
The fact that he never once asked me a question about my career- my major passion in life- was not 100% fixable, and I didn't need another date or twenty to prove this. I explained once again, "I really tried but just didn't feel like we were connecting. And I realized I shouldn't have to TRY to connect about something that important to me."
He responded, "I hear what you are saying about not having to try so hard. Getting along and sharing common values shouldn't be a constant struggle. But I feel like the problem here was communication. I just wasn't understanding."
At this point, I realized that this man needed more closure than a text message exchange allowed, and I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about things instead.
He agreed, kind of. "How about some 'let's be friends' sex? I'm not sure that will help, but it couldn't hurt."
I considered his generous offer, however I am still having "let's be friends" sex with my downstairs neighbor and- call me conservative- max out at one friends-with-benefits at a time. The ultimate goal is a meaningful relationship, not to get chlamydia.
I suggested we talk it over in public and spent another hour of a gorgeous weekend sitting in Cal Anderson Park breaking up, again, with a man who I went on four dates with.
At least I thought we broke up until I got his text message afterwards:
"I'm glad I got to see you today. BTW, in case I forgot to mention it, you're pretty awesome. XO"
Or let's throw in some actual reasons that men have told me they don't want to date me: I'm white. I talk too much. I am too old and he loves the child of a younger woman he is seeing.
At the end of the day, does it matter why someone doesn't want to continue a romantic relationship? I don't need to spend any more of my time pursuing a man who has made it clear his interests are elsewhere. Begging someone to want my company when they don't is a big waste of time, and I am (we all are) worth more than that.
So I am always surprised when I end a romantic relationship with a man and I get an argument out of it, as was the case when I told my most recent fourth date that I did not want a fifth. I hate, HATE dramatic breakups, and I thought that I could get away with an easy "it's not working" text message and move on with my beautiful, sunny Seattle afternoon.
"I was thinking a lot about this the last week and I just keep feeling like dating-wise we are looking for different things. I've had a great time, but I don't think it will ultimately work for me. I feel weird about putting this in a text message, but I wasn't sure what to do."
End of story, right? One person doesn't want to date the other four dates in. No harm done.
Or not... "Different things? How so? I think you're pretty and smart and have a good heart. But if you don't feel the same, I want you to be able to find what you are looking for."
And thus, a TWO HOUR text exchange ensued in which I stated multiple times that I wanted to end our romantic relationship and he responded, regarding my dealbreaker, "there is no doubt in my mind that it's 100% fixable."
The fact that he never once asked me a question about my career- my major passion in life- was not 100% fixable, and I didn't need another date or twenty to prove this. I explained once again, "I really tried but just didn't feel like we were connecting. And I realized I shouldn't have to TRY to connect about something that important to me."
He responded, "I hear what you are saying about not having to try so hard. Getting along and sharing common values shouldn't be a constant struggle. But I feel like the problem here was communication. I just wasn't understanding."
At this point, I realized that this man needed more closure than a text message exchange allowed, and I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about things instead.
He agreed, kind of. "How about some 'let's be friends' sex? I'm not sure that will help, but it couldn't hurt."
I considered his generous offer, however I am still having "let's be friends" sex with my downstairs neighbor and- call me conservative- max out at one friends-with-benefits at a time. The ultimate goal is a meaningful relationship, not to get chlamydia.
I suggested we talk it over in public and spent another hour of a gorgeous weekend sitting in Cal Anderson Park breaking up, again, with a man who I went on four dates with.
At least I thought we broke up until I got his text message afterwards:
"I'm glad I got to see you today. BTW, in case I forgot to mention it, you're pretty awesome. XO"
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