Things were going great. I was having the best series of dates I've had in three years in Seattle, and because the stakes were high for me I had to know, to get clarification about whether or not he was feeling the same way. So I asked, and he answered.
I don't remember his exact words, but his response was essentially a kind and thoughtfully-constructed rejection. He was having a good time and there was a connection, but it wasn't THE connection that we are all looking for. Whatever piece that transforms casual dating into a full-fledged relationship was missing for him and that, as I know too well, is not fixable.
I could tell it hurt him to hurt me. We were laying down together and he avoided eye contact, looked up at the ceiling, and exhaled. "Wow, that was really hard to say." I told him it was okay, and it was. I have been in his position more times than I can count, telling a partner that I knew our relationship wasn't going anywhere. Being honest is the hardest part of dating, but it is so, so necessary. I cannot fault a man for honesty. To the contrary, it earns my respect.
We sat up, heads spinning, wondering where to go from that moment on. "Well this has been really fun!," he laughed, and I agreed. Truthfully, the experience of getting to know someone and see if a relationship could develop is the best part of dating. I was sad that it would never progress the way I had hoped, but I was also SO FUCKING GRATEFUL to have been briefly excited about a person and have had our paths intersect in this dear city of mine. I will never, ever regret having a fun time with a man, even if there is no future.
I did however regret- as I think he did too- that I brought up the topic before we had sex. Once my tears fell it was clear that the evening had to end, and I wished it had ended in the same manner of previous nights- sweaty and naked and physically fulfilled. Note to self: initiate conversations about where relationships are headed after orgasms. It is a learning process.
Sex with each other in the future is still on the table, which I always enjoy, as I maintain that just because a relationship won't work doesn't mean that there is no connection. I love friendship sex in a lot of ways: It is considerate. It is comfortable. There is no ambiguity about the status of a relationship. If it's done right no one gets hurt, and both parties find meaning in each other.
But goddamnit, there will be a 66th first date.
I don't remember his exact words, but his response was essentially a kind and thoughtfully-constructed rejection. He was having a good time and there was a connection, but it wasn't THE connection that we are all looking for. Whatever piece that transforms casual dating into a full-fledged relationship was missing for him and that, as I know too well, is not fixable.
I could tell it hurt him to hurt me. We were laying down together and he avoided eye contact, looked up at the ceiling, and exhaled. "Wow, that was really hard to say." I told him it was okay, and it was. I have been in his position more times than I can count, telling a partner that I knew our relationship wasn't going anywhere. Being honest is the hardest part of dating, but it is so, so necessary. I cannot fault a man for honesty. To the contrary, it earns my respect.
We sat up, heads spinning, wondering where to go from that moment on. "Well this has been really fun!," he laughed, and I agreed. Truthfully, the experience of getting to know someone and see if a relationship could develop is the best part of dating. I was sad that it would never progress the way I had hoped, but I was also SO FUCKING GRATEFUL to have been briefly excited about a person and have had our paths intersect in this dear city of mine. I will never, ever regret having a fun time with a man, even if there is no future.
I did however regret- as I think he did too- that I brought up the topic before we had sex. Once my tears fell it was clear that the evening had to end, and I wished it had ended in the same manner of previous nights- sweaty and naked and physically fulfilled. Note to self: initiate conversations about where relationships are headed after orgasms. It is a learning process.
Sex with each other in the future is still on the table, which I always enjoy, as I maintain that just because a relationship won't work doesn't mean that there is no connection. I love friendship sex in a lot of ways: It is considerate. It is comfortable. There is no ambiguity about the status of a relationship. If it's done right no one gets hurt, and both parties find meaning in each other.
But goddamnit, there will be a 66th first date.
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