Today I'm celebrating the four year anniversary of the end of my last relationship. Remember that douchebag I was in love with who spent months lying to me and fucking around with other women and then left me for the part-time tattoo artist because what she had- in comparison to me- was "youth, and I really love her kid."?
I'm glad that didn't work out.
Four years and 75 first dates later, I am useless for relationship insight. But advice about dating in Seattle as a woman? Sit down, young disciples, and let me tell you what I've learned...
1) You're dating in the wrong city. Go to New York.
2) Don't "meet up for a drink" on the first date because odds are, the man you go out with is socially clueless and will down three pints of beer while you nurse a seltzer water. I recommend, instead, an Asian restaurant for speedy service.
3) Find a birth control method that is more secure than Prayer followed by Plan B. Men don't like condoms.
4) Or just use condoms anyways because they keep you safe, and who the hell cares about what these men like?
5) Don't go out with a man just because he has a sailboat. It will be one of the most boring first dates of your life and when he asks you to go on his sailboat for your second date, you'll realize that sitting at home eating Spaghetti-O's in sweatpants sounds like more fun and thus the whole endeavor was a complete waste of time.
6) If you work in a profession that makes you occasionally wear a pager, break that sucker out! It's a great conversation starter at concerts and clubs ("Why do you have a pager?!?") and will get you out of shitty dates ("I'm so sorry- my pager just went off and I have to take this.")
7) If you're going out for the night- even if it's with girlfriends- shave and wear nice underwear. You never know.
8) Don't do Amazon, Microsoft, or start-ups. Just don't. Boeing engineers are okay if they live on a houseboat.
9) "Polyamorous" is code for "I'm not very attractive and neither are the people I sleep with."
10) Relationships take effort, but good dates shouldn't. The moments leading up to a relationship should be full of rainbows and happiness and kisses and sweet whispers. Don't try and force a connection that isn't there; falling in love should be the easy part. Once you've got that, the work begins. That's someone else's blog to write.
I'm glad that didn't work out.
Four years and 75 first dates later, I am useless for relationship insight. But advice about dating in Seattle as a woman? Sit down, young disciples, and let me tell you what I've learned...
1) You're dating in the wrong city. Go to New York.
2) Don't "meet up for a drink" on the first date because odds are, the man you go out with is socially clueless and will down three pints of beer while you nurse a seltzer water. I recommend, instead, an Asian restaurant for speedy service.
3) Find a birth control method that is more secure than Prayer followed by Plan B. Men don't like condoms.
4) Or just use condoms anyways because they keep you safe, and who the hell cares about what these men like?
5) Don't go out with a man just because he has a sailboat. It will be one of the most boring first dates of your life and when he asks you to go on his sailboat for your second date, you'll realize that sitting at home eating Spaghetti-O's in sweatpants sounds like more fun and thus the whole endeavor was a complete waste of time.
6) If you work in a profession that makes you occasionally wear a pager, break that sucker out! It's a great conversation starter at concerts and clubs ("Why do you have a pager?!?") and will get you out of shitty dates ("I'm so sorry- my pager just went off and I have to take this.")
7) If you're going out for the night- even if it's with girlfriends- shave and wear nice underwear. You never know.
8) Don't do Amazon, Microsoft, or start-ups. Just don't. Boeing engineers are okay if they live on a houseboat.
9) "Polyamorous" is code for "I'm not very attractive and neither are the people I sleep with."
10) Relationships take effort, but good dates shouldn't. The moments leading up to a relationship should be full of rainbows and happiness and kisses and sweet whispers. Don't try and force a connection that isn't there; falling in love should be the easy part. Once you've got that, the work begins. That's someone else's blog to write.
No comments:
Post a Comment