Alright, Life, I call bullshit, because while I am arguably a basket case when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, my friend "A", who lives in Chicago, is not. She is a successful, 32 year old inner-city public school teacher who not only has her shit together but is intelligent, fun, and smokin' hot. There is no reason- NO REASON- for this woman to be single (as judged impartially by myself), and yet she has not had a serious relationship in over ten years.
We discussed our perpetually unfulfilling love lives over drinks in Lincoln Park last night, and "A," who has long been resistant to internet dating, revealed that several weeks ago she signed up for Tinder. Tinder is something I would love to try if it were not for my stubbornness to accept new technology into my life. The key necessity for Tinder is a smartphone, and in 2014, I am still flipping my phone open.
"A" set her Tinder age limits from 26-35 and promptly started communication with a man at the younger end of the demographic. She was out one night when he texted her to ask what she was up to.
"Oh, just at a bar with friends."
"Well, how would you like it if I went down on you for one hour and then bought you a martini?"
"A" didn't think she would like that at all. In fact, her first thought was that no woman would like it if a man went down on her for an hour. Did this 26 year old have any knowledge of female sexual response? Women would like it if men performed oral sex for 5-10 minutes and then proceeded to intercourse. Sixty minutes of tongue lashing sounded like ten minutes of enjoyment followed by fifty minutes of staring at the ceiling while making a grocery list.
Her second thought was "a martini"? What kind of woman did he think she is? She much prefers Bud Light or a glass of house red. Anyways, if he was going to buy her a martini, it would probably have to be before the excruciatingly boring hour of cunnilingus and not after. Even his timing was off.
We discussed our perpetually unfulfilling love lives over drinks in Lincoln Park last night, and "A," who has long been resistant to internet dating, revealed that several weeks ago she signed up for Tinder. Tinder is something I would love to try if it were not for my stubbornness to accept new technology into my life. The key necessity for Tinder is a smartphone, and in 2014, I am still flipping my phone open.
"A" set her Tinder age limits from 26-35 and promptly started communication with a man at the younger end of the demographic. She was out one night when he texted her to ask what she was up to.
"Oh, just at a bar with friends."
"Well, how would you like it if I went down on you for one hour and then bought you a martini?"
"A" didn't think she would like that at all. In fact, her first thought was that no woman would like it if a man went down on her for an hour. Did this 26 year old have any knowledge of female sexual response? Women would like it if men performed oral sex for 5-10 minutes and then proceeded to intercourse. Sixty minutes of tongue lashing sounded like ten minutes of enjoyment followed by fifty minutes of staring at the ceiling while making a grocery list.
Her second thought was "a martini"? What kind of woman did he think she is? She much prefers Bud Light or a glass of house red. Anyways, if he was going to buy her a martini, it would probably have to be before the excruciatingly boring hour of cunnilingus and not after. Even his timing was off.
No comments:
Post a Comment