The truth came out at 4 am this morning. We were lying in bed after having sex, slightly drunk, spooning. I was drifting off to sleep as he talked to me, unable to stay awake to concentrate on what he was saying.
His tone of voice changed, and I jolted back to the conversation. "R___, you are so hot. I can't get enough of your body. You are so fucking hot! But you're also SO FUCKING emotionally unavailable. I just can't read you."
I turned around to face him and set the record straight, because I am easy to read if my partners listen. From the beginning, I have told this man that I am not emotionally invested, that I want to see other people, that I do not see this going beyond a casual relationship.
"If you are looking for emotional availability or a relationship," I calmly stated, "you need to be looking elsewhere. I am not going to be able to give you any more than I am now." He said he understood, and then he held me closer.
This is where dating ethics get murky. I have never lied or pretended to feel more than I do. I have treated him respectfully and been honest about what I am looking for. Yet in spite of this, both he and I know that his feelings for me are greater and that he wants something more. In the end, there is no question about who will be hurt.
So whose fault is it? Am I to blame because I'm still seeing him twice a week for companionship and sex? Or is he responsible for continuing to pursue unrequitted feelings? I could happily go on with this relationship until I get bored or find something better, but even if I'm honest about my intentions, is that a moral thing to do?
His tone of voice changed, and I jolted back to the conversation. "R___, you are so hot. I can't get enough of your body. You are so fucking hot! But you're also SO FUCKING emotionally unavailable. I just can't read you."
I turned around to face him and set the record straight, because I am easy to read if my partners listen. From the beginning, I have told this man that I am not emotionally invested, that I want to see other people, that I do not see this going beyond a casual relationship.
"If you are looking for emotional availability or a relationship," I calmly stated, "you need to be looking elsewhere. I am not going to be able to give you any more than I am now." He said he understood, and then he held me closer.
This is where dating ethics get murky. I have never lied or pretended to feel more than I do. I have treated him respectfully and been honest about what I am looking for. Yet in spite of this, both he and I know that his feelings for me are greater and that he wants something more. In the end, there is no question about who will be hurt.
So whose fault is it? Am I to blame because I'm still seeing him twice a week for companionship and sex? Or is he responsible for continuing to pursue unrequitted feelings? I could happily go on with this relationship until I get bored or find something better, but even if I'm honest about my intentions, is that a moral thing to do?
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