Sex On a Houseboat

He KILLED our third date, nailed it in the best way possible, and in the same way my Brooklyn one-night stand did, rectified three years of dating misery.  Without even asking me out, he confidently texted "Come to my place and I'll make dinner."  A Seattle man with a plan!  What woman would refuse?

His place was a houseboat in Shilshole Marina on Puget Sound.  I heard nothing but the waves and seagulls in his neighborhood, and the sun was starting to set behind the Olympics when I arrived at 8 pm.

Beet risotto and spinach salad was the meal, which he cooked himself, as we listened to his favorite Spotify playlist and drank wine.  He was in control in the kitchen, a sexy quality that has never been a requirement but is always a turn-on.  He knew how to dice and slice, how to add spices and cook the risotto al dente.  Plates and napkins were set and we ate at a TABLE- not a couch or facing a television.  We talked about our families and goals, even briefly discussed past relationships and why they failed.  I am used to feeling apathy on dates, but with him I was engaged; my heart rate rose and my brain became alert as I actually paid attention to what a man was saying.

"I really like kissing you," he said as we started to make out.

"I like kissing you too," I replied, "but I also like talking to you, which doesn't happen often with my dates."  He laughed and agreed.

That night, after nervously asking "Do I have your consent?",  he took my houseboat virginity.  It was meaningful and beautiful and just like I'd always dreamed of.


 

Good Date Alert!

They happen, every so often, and I cling to that "I'm having a great time" feeling when I'm sad and thinking there are no men left in the world who I could possibly connect with.

 

This one came off of OkCupid in the form of a white engineer from the Midwest.   On the surface he didn't seem like my type, but when he started to talk about how he hitchhiked from Michigan to Seattle and wanted to go back to school to be an astronaut, I knew that he was crazy enough to hold my interest.  On the first date we sat in Gasworks Park until 10:30 on a Tuesday night and talked about what drugs we'd done and my method of birth control.  The second date involved polishing off a bottle of wine on the field at Cal Anderson and covering the time he was arrested (Is it even POSSIBLE for me to be attracted to someone who hasn't been?!?).  A vodka soda and tequila shot later we were dancing at Havana, discovering our mutual affinity for 90s hip hop. 

 

"Is it horrible that I kind of love R. Kelly's music?" I asked.

 

He lifted me up into a giant hug on the dance floor, the first time we touched each other.  "I'm so glad you said that!  I think that all the time!" 

 

At some point in the evening, he confessed that I was the first person he'd gone on a second date with who he met off the internet, and I confessed right back that he was my sixty-fifth first date since my last relationship.

 

"Wow, I bet you've got some crazy stories.  You should blog about them or something."

 

"Well," I started off slowly, "funny you should mention that..." 

 

We found ourselves making out on a lawn chair on my rooftop deck after midnight, below a gibbous moon and a cloudy Seattle sky.  He lowered my pants and put his mouth on me.  I did not stop him.

 

"I have a favor to ask of you," I said as we were kissing afterwards.

 

"What more could you possibly need?," he joked, "I just gave you oral sex on your rooftop!"

 

The favor is the same for every man who I like.

 

"When you want to stop seeing me, please send me a text message and let me know."

 

He looked confused.  "You shouldn't overthink it.  You blog about dating, so you overthink it too much."

 

Noted.

You Know What's Really Awkward?

When you are hiking 90 minutes away from Seattle and you come face to face, on the trail, with the same man who you sent a breakup text message to the week before.

Thanks Universe.

What Happens When I Initiate a Text Message Breakup

Let's say, hypothetically of course, that a man told me he didn't want to date me because I don't make enough money, or because I don't own a smartphone, or because he doesn't like women with curly hair.

Or let's throw in some actual reasons that men have told me they don't want to date me:  I'm white.  I talk too much. I am too old and he loves the child of a younger woman he is seeing.

At the end of the day, does it matter why someone doesn't want to continue a romantic relationship?  I don't need to spend any more of my time pursuing a man who has made it clear his interests are elsewhere.  Begging someone to want my company when they don't is a big waste of time, and I am (we all are) worth more than that.

So I am always surprised when I end a romantic relationship with a man and I get an argument out of it, as was the case when I told my most recent fourth date that I did not want a fifth.  I hate, HATE dramatic breakups, and I thought that I could get away with an easy "it's not working" text message and move on with my beautiful, sunny Seattle afternoon.

"I was thinking a lot about this the last week and I just keep feeling like dating-wise we are looking for different things.  I've had a great time, but I don't think it will ultimately work for me.  I feel weird about putting this in a text message, but I wasn't sure what to do."

End of story, right?  One person doesn't want to date the other four dates in.  No harm done.

Or not... "Different things?  How so?  I think you're pretty and smart and have a good heart.  But if you don't feel the same, I want you to be able to find what you are looking for."

And thus, a TWO HOUR text exchange ensued in which I stated multiple times that I wanted to end our romantic relationship and he responded, regarding my dealbreaker, "there is no doubt in my mind that it's 100% fixable."

The fact that he never once asked me a question about my career- my major passion in life- was not 100% fixable, and I didn't need another date or twenty to prove this.  I explained once again, "I really tried but just didn't feel like we were connecting.  And I realized I shouldn't have to TRY to connect about something that important to me."

He responded, "I hear what you are saying about not having to try so hard.  Getting along and sharing common values shouldn't be a constant struggle.  But I feel like the problem here was communication.  I just wasn't understanding."

At this point, I realized that this man needed more closure than a text message exchange allowed, and I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about things instead.

He agreed, kind of.  "How about some 'let's be friends' sex?  I'm not sure that will help, but it couldn't hurt."

I considered his generous offer, however I am still having "let's be friends" sex with my downstairs neighbor and- call me conservative- max out at one friends-with-benefits at a time.  The ultimate goal is a meaningful relationship, not to get chlamydia.

I suggested we talk it over in public and spent another hour of a gorgeous weekend sitting in Cal Anderson Park breaking up, again, with a man who I went on four dates with.

At least I thought we broke up until I got his text message afterwards:

"I'm glad I got to see you today.  BTW, in case I forgot to mention it, you're pretty awesome.  XO"

What Men Say While Having Sex

Stolen from a friend's personal experience:

"I'm gonna cum like global warming!"



 

On a Roll with Another Fourth Date

Here I am again, heading out tomorrow on a fourth date with the same man.  We met on OkCupid- a 91% match according to the website- and on our first date I could see why.

He stood out from most of the men I'm meeting in Seattle.  He is older, for one, experienced enough in dating to show up in a clean shirt and to text promptly the next day stating his interest and asking me out again.  He is also accomplished in his non-tech career, has lived abroad in several countries, and I'm pretty certain has never been arrested.  Vegetarian?  Check.  Yogini?  Check.  Drinks alcohol?  Check.  He suggested, for our second date, that we go skydiving.  I think he was joking, but I took note that he shares my penchant for the crazy before I shot him down and suggested dinner instead.

In keeping with my pattern of stellar sexual decisions when I drink alcohol, we had sex on the third date.  I don't remember much about the sex except that it happened, and it was unexpected until I drank two Negronis and a glass of sparkling wine.  He appropriately said afterwards "I get that you're someone who needs your own personal space," and did the 4 am Capitol Hill Walk of Shame rather than spend the night.

I woke up the next morning and felt sick to my stomach as the situation hit me...  Am I capable of having sex sober any more? was the first thought, followed by Do I like this guy? and Do I even want to see him again?, with the answer to all three questions being a resounding I Don't Know.

But as usual, the men seem to know immediately that they are interested- probably because I'm fucking them.  "You're pretty awesome" was the text message I received the next morning.  "I have to go to Atlanta this Thursday-Sunday.  Want to go out before then?"

And that is how fourth dates are made.




 

My Algorithm

One thing is for certain:  After three years of this, my dates are definitely getting better.  I've figured out my own OKC algorithm that goes something as follows:

                                                                   Does he work in tech?
                                                         ____________↓__________________
                                                       yes                                                           no
                                                          ↓                                                             ↓
                                                 Dealbreaker                           Does he identify himself as polyamorous?
                      (eliminates 90% of my dating pool)          ________________↓______________
                                                                                     no                                                             yes
                                                                                      ↓                                                               ↓
                                                         Are there any pictures with his shirt                            Dealbreaker
                                                  off or him posing in front of a motorcycle?    
                                          ______________________↓_____________________             
                                        no                                                                                    yes
                                         ↓                                                                                       ↓
Is there at least one photograph with no facial hair, thus                                  Dealbreaker
           proving he knows how to hold a razor?
            ______________ ↓______________________
          no                                                                        yes
           ↓                                                                           ↓
   Dealbreaker                                               Does he do ANY of the following:
                                                               Speak a second language/work in healthcare/
                                                               hike/practice yoga/want to live abroad/be Jewish/
                                                                      mention social justice in his profile?
                                                         _______________↓___________________
                                                      yes                                                                  no
                                                        ↓                                                                     ↓
                         Does he do ANY of the following:                                     Dealbreaker
                   Play computer games/list "sex" as a skill/
                   live on the eastside/talk about his iphone/
                   proclaim himself to be a "nerd", "geek,"
                                            or "dork"?
                               ____________↓______________
                            yes                                                 no
                              ↓                                                   ↓
                     Dealbreaker                  Yay!  Potential love!  Let's go on a date!