When you are hiking 90 minutes away from Seattle and you come face to face, on the trail, with the same man who you sent a breakup text message to the week before.
Thanks Universe.
Thanks Universe.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Sunday, June 1, 2014
What Happens When I Initiate a Text Message Breakup
Let's say, hypothetically of course, that a man told me he didn't want to date me because I don't make enough money, or because I don't own a smartphone, or because he doesn't like women with curly hair.
Or let's throw in some actual reasons that men have told me they don't want to date me: I'm white. I talk too much. I am too old and he loves the child of a younger woman he is seeing.
At the end of the day, does it matter why someone doesn't want to continue a romantic relationship? I don't need to spend any more of my time pursuing a man who has made it clear his interests are elsewhere. Begging someone to want my company when they don't is a big waste of time, and I am (we all are) worth more than that.
So I am always surprised when I end a romantic relationship with a man and I get an argument out of it, as was the case when I told my most recent fourth date that I did not want a fifth. I hate, HATE dramatic breakups, and I thought that I could get away with an easy "it's not working" text message and move on with my beautiful, sunny Seattle afternoon.
"I was thinking a lot about this the last week and I just keep feeling like dating-wise we are looking for different things. I've had a great time, but I don't think it will ultimately work for me. I feel weird about putting this in a text message, but I wasn't sure what to do."
End of story, right? One person doesn't want to date the other four dates in. No harm done.
Or not... "Different things? How so? I think you're pretty and smart and have a good heart. But if you don't feel the same, I want you to be able to find what you are looking for."
And thus, a TWO HOUR text exchange ensued in which I stated multiple times that I wanted to end our romantic relationship and he responded, regarding my dealbreaker, "there is no doubt in my mind that it's 100% fixable."
The fact that he never once asked me a question about my career- my major passion in life- was not 100% fixable, and I didn't need another date or twenty to prove this. I explained once again, "I really tried but just didn't feel like we were connecting. And I realized I shouldn't have to TRY to connect about something that important to me."
He responded, "I hear what you are saying about not having to try so hard. Getting along and sharing common values shouldn't be a constant struggle. But I feel like the problem here was communication. I just wasn't understanding."
At this point, I realized that this man needed more closure than a text message exchange allowed, and I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about things instead.
He agreed, kind of. "How about some 'let's be friends' sex? I'm not sure that will help, but it couldn't hurt."
I considered his generous offer, however I am still having "let's be friends" sex with my downstairs neighbor and- call me conservative- max out at one friends-with-benefits at a time. The ultimate goal is a meaningful relationship, not to get chlamydia.
I suggested we talk it over in public and spent another hour of a gorgeous weekend sitting in Cal Anderson Park breaking up, again, with a man who I went on four dates with.
At least I thought we broke up until I got his text message afterwards:
"I'm glad I got to see you today. BTW, in case I forgot to mention it, you're pretty awesome. XO"
Or let's throw in some actual reasons that men have told me they don't want to date me: I'm white. I talk too much. I am too old and he loves the child of a younger woman he is seeing.
At the end of the day, does it matter why someone doesn't want to continue a romantic relationship? I don't need to spend any more of my time pursuing a man who has made it clear his interests are elsewhere. Begging someone to want my company when they don't is a big waste of time, and I am (we all are) worth more than that.
So I am always surprised when I end a romantic relationship with a man and I get an argument out of it, as was the case when I told my most recent fourth date that I did not want a fifth. I hate, HATE dramatic breakups, and I thought that I could get away with an easy "it's not working" text message and move on with my beautiful, sunny Seattle afternoon.
"I was thinking a lot about this the last week and I just keep feeling like dating-wise we are looking for different things. I've had a great time, but I don't think it will ultimately work for me. I feel weird about putting this in a text message, but I wasn't sure what to do."
End of story, right? One person doesn't want to date the other four dates in. No harm done.
Or not... "Different things? How so? I think you're pretty and smart and have a good heart. But if you don't feel the same, I want you to be able to find what you are looking for."
And thus, a TWO HOUR text exchange ensued in which I stated multiple times that I wanted to end our romantic relationship and he responded, regarding my dealbreaker, "there is no doubt in my mind that it's 100% fixable."
The fact that he never once asked me a question about my career- my major passion in life- was not 100% fixable, and I didn't need another date or twenty to prove this. I explained once again, "I really tried but just didn't feel like we were connecting. And I realized I shouldn't have to TRY to connect about something that important to me."
He responded, "I hear what you are saying about not having to try so hard. Getting along and sharing common values shouldn't be a constant struggle. But I feel like the problem here was communication. I just wasn't understanding."
At this point, I realized that this man needed more closure than a text message exchange allowed, and I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about things instead.
He agreed, kind of. "How about some 'let's be friends' sex? I'm not sure that will help, but it couldn't hurt."
I considered his generous offer, however I am still having "let's be friends" sex with my downstairs neighbor and- call me conservative- max out at one friends-with-benefits at a time. The ultimate goal is a meaningful relationship, not to get chlamydia.
I suggested we talk it over in public and spent another hour of a gorgeous weekend sitting in Cal Anderson Park breaking up, again, with a man who I went on four dates with.
At least I thought we broke up until I got his text message afterwards:
"I'm glad I got to see you today. BTW, in case I forgot to mention it, you're pretty awesome. XO"
Friday, May 30, 2014
What Men Say While Having Sex
Stolen from a friend's personal experience:
"I'm gonna cum like global warming!"
"I'm gonna cum like global warming!"
Monday, May 26, 2014
On a Roll with Another Fourth Date
Here I am again, heading out tomorrow on a fourth date with the same man. We met on OkCupid- a 91% match according to the website- and on our first date I could see why.
He stood out from most of the men I'm meeting in Seattle. He is older, for one, experienced enough in dating to show up in a clean shirt and to text promptly the next day stating his interest and asking me out again. He is also accomplished in his non-tech career, has lived abroad in several countries, and I'm pretty certain has never been arrested. Vegetarian? Check. Yogini? Check. Drinks alcohol? Check. He suggested, for our second date, that we go skydiving. I think he was joking, but I took note that he shares my penchant for the crazy before I shot him down and suggested dinner instead.
In keeping with my pattern of stellar sexual decisions when I drink alcohol, we had sex on the third date. I don't remember much about the sex except that it happened, and it was unexpected until I drank two Negronis and a glass of sparkling wine. He appropriately said afterwards "I get that you're someone who needs your own personal space," and did the 4 am Capitol Hill Walk of Shame rather than spend the night.
I woke up the next morning and felt sick to my stomach as the situation hit me... Am I capable of having sex sober any more? was the first thought, followed by Do I like this guy? and Do I even want to see him again?, with the answer to all three questions being a resounding I Don't Know.
But as usual, the men seem to know immediately that they are interested- probably because I'm fucking them. "You're pretty awesome" was the text message I received the next morning. "I have to go to Atlanta this Thursday-Sunday. Want to go out before then?"
And that is how fourth dates are made.
He stood out from most of the men I'm meeting in Seattle. He is older, for one, experienced enough in dating to show up in a clean shirt and to text promptly the next day stating his interest and asking me out again. He is also accomplished in his non-tech career, has lived abroad in several countries, and I'm pretty certain has never been arrested. Vegetarian? Check. Yogini? Check. Drinks alcohol? Check. He suggested, for our second date, that we go skydiving. I think he was joking, but I took note that he shares my penchant for the crazy before I shot him down and suggested dinner instead.
In keeping with my pattern of stellar sexual decisions when I drink alcohol, we had sex on the third date. I don't remember much about the sex except that it happened, and it was unexpected until I drank two Negronis and a glass of sparkling wine. He appropriately said afterwards "I get that you're someone who needs your own personal space," and did the 4 am Capitol Hill Walk of Shame rather than spend the night.
I woke up the next morning and felt sick to my stomach as the situation hit me... Am I capable of having sex sober any more? was the first thought, followed by Do I like this guy? and Do I even want to see him again?, with the answer to all three questions being a resounding I Don't Know.
But as usual, the men seem to know immediately that they are interested- probably because I'm fucking them. "You're pretty awesome" was the text message I received the next morning. "I have to go to Atlanta this Thursday-Sunday. Want to go out before then?"
And that is how fourth dates are made.
Monday, May 19, 2014
My Algorithm
One thing is for certain: After three years of this, my dates are definitely getting better. I've figured out my own OKC algorithm that goes something as follows:
Does he work in tech?
____________↓__________________
yes no
↓ ↓
Dealbreaker Does he identify himself as polyamorous?
(eliminates 90% of my dating pool) ________________↓______________
no yes
↓ ↓
Are there any pictures with his shirt Dealbreaker
off or him posing in front of a motorcycle?
______________________↓_____________________
no yes
↓ ↓
Is there at least one photograph with no facial hair, thus Dealbreaker
proving he knows how to hold a razor?
______________ ↓______________________
no yes
↓ ↓
Dealbreaker Does he do ANY of the following:
Speak a second language/work in healthcare/
hike/practice yoga/want to live abroad/be Jewish/
mention social justice in his profile?
_______________↓___________________
yes no
↓ ↓
Does he do ANY of the following: Dealbreaker
Play computer games/list "sex" as a skill/
live on the eastside/talk about his iphone/
proclaim himself to be a "nerd", "geek,"
or "dork"?
____________↓______________
yes no
↓ ↓
Dealbreaker Yay! Potential love! Let's go on a date!
Does he work in tech?
____________↓__________________
yes no
↓ ↓
Dealbreaker Does he identify himself as polyamorous?
(eliminates 90% of my dating pool) ________________↓______________
no yes
↓ ↓
Are there any pictures with his shirt Dealbreaker
off or him posing in front of a motorcycle?
______________________↓_____________________
no yes
↓ ↓
Is there at least one photograph with no facial hair, thus Dealbreaker
proving he knows how to hold a razor?
______________ ↓______________________
no yes
↓ ↓
Dealbreaker Does he do ANY of the following:
Speak a second language/work in healthcare/
hike/practice yoga/want to live abroad/be Jewish/
mention social justice in his profile?
_______________↓___________________
yes no
↓ ↓
Does he do ANY of the following: Dealbreaker
Play computer games/list "sex" as a skill/
live on the eastside/talk about his iphone/
proclaim himself to be a "nerd", "geek,"
or "dork"?
____________↓______________
yes no
↓ ↓
Dealbreaker Yay! Potential love! Let's go on a date!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Tinder
Alright, Life, I call bullshit, because while I am arguably a basket case when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, my friend "A", who lives in Chicago, is not. She is a successful, 32 year old inner-city public school teacher who not only has her shit together but is intelligent, fun, and smokin' hot. There is no reason- NO REASON- for this woman to be single (as judged impartially by myself), and yet she has not had a serious relationship in over ten years.
We discussed our perpetually unfulfilling love lives over drinks in Lincoln Park last night, and "A," who has long been resistant to internet dating, revealed that several weeks ago she signed up for Tinder. Tinder is something I would love to try if it were not for my stubbornness to accept new technology into my life. The key necessity for Tinder is a smartphone, and in 2014, I am still flipping my phone open.
"A" set her Tinder age limits from 26-35 and promptly started communication with a man at the younger end of the demographic. She was out one night when he texted her to ask what she was up to.
"Oh, just at a bar with friends."
"Well, how would you like it if I went down on you for one hour and then bought you a martini?"
"A" didn't think she would like that at all. In fact, her first thought was that no woman would like it if a man went down on her for an hour. Did this 26 year old have any knowledge of female sexual response? Women would like it if men performed oral sex for 5-10 minutes and then proceeded to intercourse. Sixty minutes of tongue lashing sounded like ten minutes of enjoyment followed by fifty minutes of staring at the ceiling while making a grocery list.
Her second thought was "a martini"? What kind of woman did he think she is? She much prefers Bud Light or a glass of house red. Anyways, if he was going to buy her a martini, it would probably have to be before the excruciatingly boring hour of cunnilingus and not after. Even his timing was off.
We discussed our perpetually unfulfilling love lives over drinks in Lincoln Park last night, and "A," who has long been resistant to internet dating, revealed that several weeks ago she signed up for Tinder. Tinder is something I would love to try if it were not for my stubbornness to accept new technology into my life. The key necessity for Tinder is a smartphone, and in 2014, I am still flipping my phone open.
"A" set her Tinder age limits from 26-35 and promptly started communication with a man at the younger end of the demographic. She was out one night when he texted her to ask what she was up to.
"Oh, just at a bar with friends."
"Well, how would you like it if I went down on you for one hour and then bought you a martini?"
"A" didn't think she would like that at all. In fact, her first thought was that no woman would like it if a man went down on her for an hour. Did this 26 year old have any knowledge of female sexual response? Women would like it if men performed oral sex for 5-10 minutes and then proceeded to intercourse. Sixty minutes of tongue lashing sounded like ten minutes of enjoyment followed by fifty minutes of staring at the ceiling while making a grocery list.
Her second thought was "a martini"? What kind of woman did he think she is? She much prefers Bud Light or a glass of house red. Anyways, if he was going to buy her a martini, it would probably have to be before the excruciatingly boring hour of cunnilingus and not after. Even his timing was off.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
#63
He was great and just the reintroduction to internet dating I was looking for. We met up at Greenlake, walked around the loop, and had a good enough time to agree to Round Two and get coffee.
I specifically went out with him because his profile on OkCupid mentioned social justice, which has been a major point of disconnection between me and my dates. I don't think I need my partner to save the world, but he has to have more than a cursory knowledge of what life is like outside the middle to upper class demographic. This man was a public high school teacher and passionate about education. He clearly loved his job and gave a damn about giving youth opportunities and guidance. He was also athletic, articulate, thoughtful, and definitely attractive.
The only problem was, I wasn't attracted to him. I spent a lot of the date trying to piece out why the right chemistry wasn't there, and I somewhat regretted meeting him for an alcohol-less afternoon walk. Had there been booze, we might have been touching each other and thinking of the next steps to take, but my iced green tea was doing nothing for building a romance.
The date lasted about two hours. We walked together toward my car, and he said he would like to see me again. "I'll be in touch," he assured me, as he gave me a hug.
We had a ton in common and I would have given it another shot had he called, but he didn't. I've never been shy when it comes to indicating my interest, and I considered sending him a text message asking him out again. "But why?", I countered to myself. Had he been interested he would have followed up. The reality was, we both enjoyed ourselves, but the spark was missing.
On a positive note- for all you single females, there is a totally decent, fun, hot teacher on the market in Seattle. Go get him!
I specifically went out with him because his profile on OkCupid mentioned social justice, which has been a major point of disconnection between me and my dates. I don't think I need my partner to save the world, but he has to have more than a cursory knowledge of what life is like outside the middle to upper class demographic. This man was a public high school teacher and passionate about education. He clearly loved his job and gave a damn about giving youth opportunities and guidance. He was also athletic, articulate, thoughtful, and definitely attractive.
The only problem was, I wasn't attracted to him. I spent a lot of the date trying to piece out why the right chemistry wasn't there, and I somewhat regretted meeting him for an alcohol-less afternoon walk. Had there been booze, we might have been touching each other and thinking of the next steps to take, but my iced green tea was doing nothing for building a romance.
The date lasted about two hours. We walked together toward my car, and he said he would like to see me again. "I'll be in touch," he assured me, as he gave me a hug.
We had a ton in common and I would have given it another shot had he called, but he didn't. I've never been shy when it comes to indicating my interest, and I considered sending him a text message asking him out again. "But why?", I countered to myself. Had he been interested he would have followed up. The reality was, we both enjoyed ourselves, but the spark was missing.
On a positive note- for all you single females, there is a totally decent, fun, hot teacher on the market in Seattle. Go get him!
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